Why I’m a virgin in 2016 ?
“Many times in life I’ve regretted the things I’ve said without thinking. But I’ve never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken.” -Lisa Kleypas ; my one reason for penning this.
In these recent times, I’ve had too many rampant cases of young girls, like me, struggling with issues of pre-marital sex and sorts on my mini-table. From the virgin in her early twenties whose hormones are on the high and is under pressure from her lover for sex to the now-celibate-until-marriage lady who misses sex like crazy.. and I know there are so many out there that I do not even know of. So.., let’s leave this not unspoken.. 🙂
No doubt we live in a hypersexualized culture, where sex and dating are highly trivialized, and talking/asking about virginity is considered intrusive. I’ll agree with one humour quote I saw: “We live in a world where losing your phone is more important than losing your virginity.” Sadly, that is laughing-ly true and doesn’t seem to me like it’s going to change any time soon; So, perhaps we should look forward; What then is the fate of a present-day virgin?
First, what are the likely odds against a 21st century virgin? From my observation and random sampling, I have noted the following:
- Boys hate virgins. No boy wants to go through the “stress” of getting married to a virgin.
- No one really cares. People date, have sex, get married, and are happy; so what’s the point?
- I’m tired!! I get horny. I see sex all around me. Look it’s not really a big deal; I just want to have sex
- It’s true- one has to “test” their partner before getting married. What if we marry and… he’s impotent?
- (Add your own reasons)
Fair enough, should I say?
A few months ago, a friend had similar issues. She’s a really beautiful woman in her early 20s and she’s seeing this guy whom she likes so much- he’s a wonderful guy. So then he begins to ask for sex. He loves her anyway, but he wants sex; and she loves him anyway too. She’s totally attracted to him and tbh (to be honest), sex wouldn’t be a bad idea, but she has reservations still. What’s it with this virgin thing?
So we consulted a much older friend (in his mid-40s), and this was his exact reaction: You are already 20+, probably will be married soon, so this will mess you up!- especially when you had so much expectation on your “first” and then they were dashed. You’ll first blame yourself for eventually letting go “for nothing” and then you’ll move on to converting regret into more “enjoyment”. because indeed, sex is a pleasurable and enjoyable thing.. and if you are not careful enough, you’ll end up hating lots of the things you did than liking them. It’s always hard to get a grip, after you already let go….
He was particularly concerned about the psychological effects, and I totally agree. Whether it’s a teen or an adult, there’s no denying the psychological effects of losing your virginity on a whim. Mindy Meier rightly stated, sex affects us not just physically, but emotionally and spirituality too; and like any gift, it can be hijacked and abused.
But then I must state, I’m not here to impress so much on the psychological effects of pre-marital sex, or to dwell on the “how much or less of a big deal” it is or stuff like that. I’m not here as judge of the jungle either.. My motive with this write up is sole and one.- What is your motive?
Yes. You have decided to remain a virgin. but WHY so? What is your motive
- Is it due to Lack of Opportunity? Like the popular but untrue quote goes- Virginity is not dignity, it is lack of opportunity. 🙉 dude, Really?!! LoL! I must say that I really do not believe in that quote because no matter what you look or seem like, there’s always that one person on planet earth who finds you extremely attractive (yes! sexually, too). So I wouldn’t waste any time on this point, but in the case that I am wrong, if you are a virgin SIMPLY because there’s no man “available to help your condition”, hunnay, that’s wrong!. ..
- Because you are a good girl.. Whew! This is one big point and to be honest, at a point in my life yet, I found myself almost walking far down this road but thank goodness my saying “NO” prevailed. It’s actually almost so tempting to be and remain a virgin because it gives you this “good girl” tag. It may not be your initial reason, but it may easily become your reason to keep up if you aren’t careful. The danger with this is that if this is your major reason for keeping your body, you will struggle so badly with the issues listed (1-5) above, and you will do so in constant unhappiness. Because eventually, if you do meet a super-fantastic partner who is EVERYTHING you dreamed of but he really doesn’t care if you’re a virgin or not (and actually, there are good men who do not care), you’ll still be unhappy. You’ll still wish you ate all of your cake and had it. You’ll wish you could go back to the past, be a “not-good girl” and still come back to marry this fantastic man. LoL! but true! Like I read somewhere, It’s not about letting people place you on the pedestal as their virginal, perfect-christian-girl mascot. No sis, deciding to remain a virgin is way deeper than that.
- Because being a virgin is your automatic ticket to a good married life.. “I was being told my virginity and modesty and purity would be attractive to Christian men and yet nothing was happening, nothing was moving, nothing was clear”- a 22-year old virgin.. The truth is, being a virgin doesn’t even guarantee you of a successful dating-relationship, talk less a happily-ever-after! Being a virgin does not mean you’ll have a perfect partner, perfect children or a perfect home. There are a 1001 cases of people who got married as virgins but are living in married hell! So if you are staking your perfect married life on your virginity, then what happens after one year of having everyday-sex with your hubby? It does not in any way correlate to each other; If this is your reason, I’m sorry to break your heart.
- Because.. Your relationship with the Lord is your driving factor.😁😁 yaayy-YES! *excited* LoL! As cliche, as this might sound, actually, it is the number one valid reason. This is the only reason why when No. (1-5) issues pop up, they won’t be easy but they won’t be able to stop you from going on. If your first priority and motive for keeping yourself from all forms of sexual immorality is to obey the Lord (which is for your own good, actually), you’ll realise by the day that- It really doesn’t matter if all boys hate virgins; It really doesn’t matter if everyone is having sex and happy; It really doesn’t matter if your fantastic-partner could care less that you were a virgin. You’ll realise that in the face of your being horny (because you will be horny), you have the ability to, and will, not respond to your hormones at the time. You’ll get to the point of wholly trusting God and issues like “testing your partner’s organs” do not bother you much; Because really, it’s not about anyone or anything, it’s all about you and your Lord, your maker. It’s about the value you’ve placed on the relationship you have with your Lord and your will, decision and commitment to honour Him. I know “testing” your partner’s organs for functionality is quite a big deal for many people, but then what happens if after testing, the “freak in bed” you married ends up being “not-so-much of a freak” after marriage due to some uncontrollable circumstance- an illness, accident, or even nature and hormones? Everything in life is a risk, darling; and what better risk to take than a risk taken on God’s watch? When all’s been said and done (testing or no testing), especially in a generation like our’s, no one really can find a good man. Everyone will tell you of how faithful and unfailing their love for you is, but only the Lord truly knows! (Proverbs 26:6).. So why not wholly commit your love life to the Lord and let him take the lead?! Don’t let anyone fool you- there are those who get married without “testing” and they have a fantastic sex life so why stay on the negative side of “what if..”? What if he’s 200% active?! LoL
If you are a virgin or you have taken a decision to keep your body until marriage (or maybe you are just even about deciding), I wrote this for you. I will like for you to check your motives, and/or put them in check! I want to remind you, as you already know, that it won’t be exactly easy- you’ll almost never be pressure free! However, you are always one step stronger- if you never forget the WHY. When the moments that make you want to “just have the sex” come, remember the Lord your God! Remember He’s worth every bit of your honouring Him with your body and draw strength to stay put from His readily available, unfailing grace.
Pro. 3:5-6 (onepowerwoman version): Have full confidence in the Lord’s word, Trust in Him with all of your beating heart. Seek His will in all that you do, and He will show you which path is right for you to take.
God’s going to blow your waiting, trusting mind! xx 💕